The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."
Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.
"Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.
"Yeth." lisped the farmer.
Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."
One day a salesman stopped by the Jammer Jones farm, knocked, and Jammer's wife Frannie came to the door.
"Is your husband home, Ma'am?" he asked. "Sure is. He's over t'cow barn."
"Well, I have some important items to show him, Ma'am. Will I have any difficulty finding him?"
"Shouldn't...He's the one with the beard and mustache."
Q: What did the dog say when he sat on sand paper?
Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
The ad in the local newspaper read: "Purebred Police Dog $25."
Thinking that to be a great bargain, Mrs. Claudette Ramsey ordered the dog to be delivered. The next day a van pulled up and left her the scruffiest, mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad. "What do you mean by calling that mangy mutt a purebred police dog?"
"Don't be deceived by his looks, Ma'am," the man replied. "He's in the Secret Service."
Q: Who is a pig's favorite movie star?
A: Kevin Bacon - He's a real ham.
Q: What do you call a cow that's just had a baby?
Elsie the Cow and Ferdinand the Bull were on either side of a fence. Elsie the Cow gave him a wink and he leaped over the fence to her side.
"Aren't you Ferdinand the Bull?" she asked.
"Just call me Ferdinand. The fence was a lot higher than I thought."
Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a pig?
A: A bird that hogs the conversation.
Q: Why was it that the Drake never got to see a human face?
A: Every time it flew over, someone yelled, "Duck!"
Q: What do you call a duck that just doesn't fit in?
Q: What happened when a farmer crossed an owl with a pig?
A: The owl gave everybody dirty looks.
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room, but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around the house. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage that housed a large parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," answered the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and then asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Harry," said the bird.
"Hairy? That's a dumb name for a parrot," snickered the burglar. "What idiot named you 'Hairy'?"
The parrot replied, "The same idiot who named the Pit Bull, Jesus."
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey. "But I just haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a week, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull crap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.
The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job."
"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it. Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"
"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he make me answer the phone as well."